fml

they tell you to care, that there is this invisible intangible monster called your future that you have to feed and nurture and prepare for from the second you were born, they tell you that you're ruining your life and god they're right, but what can you do when life right now is so so sweet and you're a simple-minded spoiled bitch and all you want to do is lie in a field of flowers and soak up the sun while it lasts?

children are supposed to love adventure. love progress. love possibilities. love what the future holds in store for them.

i am afraid.

so i hide, and love others' adventures, others' progress, others' futures and presents and pasts, love everything but the things that pertain to myself, and before i know it i have broken trust and broken hope and everyone sees me as a lost creature in the night--

--for here is a blindfold i have fallen in love with, and i would rather trip and slowly bleed out on the road than to stop wearing it.




((why? i cannot answer why. i look into my own soul and see a leaf in the wind, and i cannot answer what compels the wind to blow, only that the leaf follows, and is joyful, for the leaf does not know why either. and i see the teardrops on the windowpane and wish i could wipe them clean but bloodstains are difficult to extract, you see, and the scars will stay forever as i sigh and apologize and promise to do better but this feeble leaf is always failing, always failing, always failing, to the end of its days, to the time when the insects have seized it and have picked its fresh green health to the bone.))